Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
