Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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