We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
