Do you still have your period?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
