areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
