Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
