his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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