Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
