Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
