How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
