you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
