I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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