That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
