You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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