I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Randomize
