i don't plan on having that self control this summer
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
