Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
