I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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