i think my mom watched the whole time
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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