Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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