He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
