he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
