I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
We are all done wearing pants today
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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