My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize