In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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