All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
