I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
