Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
