I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
