his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
