Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
zippers are such a cool invention
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
