Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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