My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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