When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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