I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
