Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
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