i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
