I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
