I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
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