Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
