if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
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Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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