my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Randomize
