hotel room ftw
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
