My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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