My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
