cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I need a beard to bite.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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