Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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