Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
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mondays should just be called national damage control day
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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