The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
