The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The beers last night were like the tears from god
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
