Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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