are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
