At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
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I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
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hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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