i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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