Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
