Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
